Madness! Madness, we say. Supernatural is on season 12 and going strong with the season premiere “Keep Calm and Carry On.” Who would have thought a couple of hunters with serious family issues would make it this far? Well, we all did, didn’t we? We say that because it’s only the most dedicated who consume recaps like candy to get more of that Supernatural fix once those 44 minutes are over. We’ll be sure to check out some others ourselves once we hit publish.

The Road So Far

Our favorite thing about every season premiere? The Road So Far, of course. It’s a good reminder about season 11 and it’s highs (a werepire, Sully, and a couple of grouchy old men) and lows (As Chuck once said, “Endings are hard.”). We’re reminded by April Wine that the Winchesters are “Bad Boys.” Well, at least the British Men of Letters think so.

We learn very quickly that Mary Winchester isn’t someone to be trifled with. Mary doesn’t know who Dean is or what happened to her. Awkward. But Dean quickly reminds his mum of her fiery death. Dean breaks the tension by telling her stories of her life. She realizes it really is her son and tentatively hugs him. Way to start the Supernatural tears early, Andrew Dabb.

Meanwhile, Castiel has been ejected from the Men of Letters bunker by the world’s most hated, and British, Men of Letters. He quickly finds a ride back to the bunker.

Dean and his mom talk until sunrise. Mary learns of her husband John’s death, that the boys were raised as hunters, that Sam and Dean met her again when they traveled back in time, and that God’s sister brought her back. She’s taking it all pretty well, we’d say. We can’t help but smile when Dean says, “Let’s get you home. C’mon, mom.” Dean has his mommy back.

Ladies of the World

The British Men of Letters, Lady Antonia, had shot Sam in the leg at the end of last season. She brings the hogtied Winchester to a veterinarian. The vet tries to pretend he has morals for second, but the bag of money Lady Antonia offers him quickly ends the pretense. Sam’s record with vets is pretty mixed at this point.

Crowley is on the trail of Lucifer, who has sent his minions to clean up after his trail of dead, flimsy vessels. One of his minions reminds us why we love Supernatural so much when he talks about being a 14-year-old girl once: “I possessed one once, but it didn’t work out. Lots of feelings and urges, and ugly snot crying…”

The writers attempt to humanize Lady Antonia by showing her talking to her son. But that is quickly followed up with a torture scene. Tell us how we’re supposed to feel, already!!! The torture expert for the British Men of Letters is also a woman! Who says they don’t have ladies in Supernatural?

Apparently, the British Men of Letters have been watching the Winchesters for years. They’re one of us! Except for being evil and having British accents. She has questions, but Sam isn’t interested in answering. He tells her, with a weird smile, that he’s been tortured by the devil himself. Though Lucifer doesn’t seem quite so scary now that we’ve seen him sulk about his dad ignoring him.

Dean takes his mom to the bunker digs, where he finds blood, but no signs of Sammy or Castiel. Little does Dean know that his brother is busy getting a cold torture shower. Cas shows up just in time to be threatened by Mary. Is she going to threaten everyone she meets in the modern world? When Cas tells him that someone was waiting for Sam at the bunker, Dean pulls out his laptop to look for clues. He can be such a nerd when Sam’s not around.

Mary: “Is that a computer?”
Castiel: “Yes. I don’t trust them.”

Dean figures out where they may have taken Sam. The trio heads to the garage where Mary admires the Impala. She knows an important series actor when she sees one. Dean gazes at the back seat, remembering the good times he’s had back there. Then he looks at his mom and realizes she’s recalling some of her own back seat moments. It’s both awkward and creepy.

On Wednesdays We Wear Pink

Lady Antonia tells Sam he’s bad at his job. These British gals are real mean girls. She says, “There hasn’t been a monster related death since 1965 because we are good at our job,” but we hear, “I can’t help it that I’m popular.” So much for British humility, and grammar. She wants names and locations of hunters so she can find people they actually want to work with. Or so she claims. Sam isn’t interested, so the torture goes from water to flame. These British Men of Letters seem like a bunch of jerks.

Meanwhile, Crowley, the ultimate mean girl, continues on the trail of dead vessels. He comes up on Lucifer’s minions once more. When one of them points out that Lucifer could kick his “Posh Spice” butt, he decides to kill them. Crowley’s so temperamental.

The torturer tells Lady Antonia that Sam is pretty resistant to her efforts. She suggests bringing in a ringer, but he will have to wait for another episode because Lady Antonia decides to take another tack. She takes out a menacing needle full of blackish goo. We’re having Teen Wolf flashbacks.

A Particular Set of Skills

When they stop at a coffee and fruit stand (weird, right?), Mary takes in the scene of a world 33 years older than she remembers. Is she mourning what she’s lost or the fact that much families ignore each other so much for their electronic devices in the future? Castiel can relate to what Mary is experiencing, and not just because he doesn’t trust computers. He tells her how jarring it was when he suddenly found himself as a human.

The rest stop is next to a veterinary office where they find the vet collaborator. The vet refuses to offer much information–always a bad idea. After Mary orders Castiel to hurt him, the vet remembers he has a phone number. Dean gets to threaten Lady Antonio over the phone, Taken-style, telling her he’s giving her one chance to hand Sam back.

“Oh you think you can run from me? Try it. Because when I find you, and I will find you, if he is not in one piece I will take you apart. Do you understand me?”

Lady Antonia seems a little concerned. She watches Sam, who is up and about, but it’s not good news. Sam starts having visions and hearing a high-pitched squeal, likely caused by the black goo injection.

As they head back to the bunker to trace the phone call (really? isn’t there an app for that?), the Impala is suddenly hit by another car, knocking Dean’s mom unconscious. The driver, the British torture lady proceeds to beat the crap out of Dean and Castiel. She’s about to kill them, when mommy Winchester comes to the rescue. She doesn’t bother to threaten this one, instead, she goes straight to the stabby part.

Sam is being tortured by visions of those he’s lost. You’d think he’d be used to visions by now. Then comes the voice of Dean, blaming him and telling him to die. Sam breaks a mirror and grabs a piece of glass. When she sees him cut his throat with the glass, his captor rushes in. But naturally, it was a ruse and Sam almost escapes. Guess he has become immune to visions, after all. Having Lucifer in your head for months on end will do that to you. Though the Lady of Letters finds her way to safety, she seems quite terrified. A caged Winchester is a scary thing.

Mary is not feeling great about murdering someone. She had left the hunting life and didn’t want it for her sons. Dean tells his mom, “Saving people and hunting things, this is our life. I think we make the world a better place, I know that we do.” At least our world.

Crowley continues his hunt for Lucifer, while Dean, Castiel, and Mary head towards where they think Sam is being held. Meanwhile, Sam sits in his basement cell as his captor watches. Is she falling for him? Or maybe developing Lima syndrome? Empathy, disdain, anger, fear, love, it’s all so confusing for a Brit, as they generally prefer to keep their feelings to a minimum. Just kidding. Stereotypes are rubbish.

Supernatural Season 12 Premiere

Sam hasn’t escaped, but he has shown his Winchester superpowers. Lady Antonia may be a poor man’s Lili Von Shtupp, but we’re hoping she’ll fall for the hero and change sides, all while using her outrageous accent. We’re still looking forward to the reunion between Sam and his mom. Unless, of course, he dies in captivity and she has to sacrifice her newly reminted soul to get him back. Nah, we’ve seen the Supernatural Season 12 previews. Mary has already proven her salt as a hunter, and we can’t wait to see more.

What did you think of “Keep Calm and Carry on”? Tell us in the comments.